Sunday, January 9, 2011

Thank Goodness 2010 is over with...

As we progress through the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your
educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery..

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor have the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .. ..

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.







Have a good Sunday anyway.

10 comments:

gautami tripathy said...

LOL!

You made my Sunday! Or did you mar it?

I am confused...

nancy said...

time to learn how top edit your
e-mail!!! and blogs!!!!!
or plan a revolt!!!

nancy said...

what about the bed bugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nise' said...

Thanks for the chuckle this afternoon!

Cat said...

It's Monday morning here - nothing better than starting the day with a laugh. Thanks!

fredamans said...

You are freaking hilarious!

giorno26 ¸¸.•*¨*•. said...

Hi questa è troppo esilarante.
Ho riso molto !
Buona serata :)
Myriam

Annie said...

very funny!

Donna said...

ROFL! We live in a time when there is such a thing as TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Jenners said...

: )

This was a good one! Now I'm not going to lick any envelopes!

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to my wonderful son,  it's bee 33wonderful years. Hope this year proves to be the best yet.