My sister sent me this little note in an email, I thought I'd share it will you all, since I generally dump so much on you, like I'm sick of coughing, I'm tired and I can't sleep, so here it goes, just for a laugh. I'm going to try to answer these just off the cuff,no research.
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT Us!
Can you cry under water?
Yes, I can be witness to that, when I was trying to learn to swim (as an older adult*) I know I cried underwater.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
You have to be a public figure to be assassinated, it's on your oath when you're sworn in. Yet another perk of public office.
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Taxes
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
No, that's the other place, that's why it's heaven, you can shop for anything, you can afford anything, you can eat anything and stay the weight you want to be, you can even have your childhood hair colour if you like. That's why they call it Heaven. My heaven will include nice nails even when I use my hands in paint remover or clay, or potting soil, (I plan on continuing my hobbies).
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Round boxes are an packaging engineers worst nightmare. It's your first assignment in school and no one gets a pass because the machines just don't want to do circles.
I need to hyperlink you into a site that shows how to make a box, You'll understand why pizza comes in a square box. I don't know why this isn't linking but just go to Grace "home " and view the tutorial on box making. It will blow you away.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Swine Flu?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
The man on the moon was not a woman, and we all know women would have not carried all that stuff they would have come up with wheels.
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
Two hours of sleep sounds pretty good to me just about now.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
The rest of the room still has to hear.
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Unless I'm on the Biggest Loser, I'm quite sure this question will not apply to me.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
So you can see how far you've come, and you've come a long way BABy.
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...
The act of undressing is quite sensual and he doesn't want to get turned on, it's hard to be professional.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
don't know, but I'll look through my books on English language.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Are you saying my son is not a decent human being.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
The song writer was under contract to produce Xnumber of songs per week.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Much like a potatoe a coconut can conduct electricity, but there was no marine glue on the island.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
It's all in the breeding, it's obvious who is the superior breed.
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
What fun would that have been.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Don't know.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Quite possibly.
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
I'm sure it was the same guy who wrote Jimmy Cracked Corn that wrote these two and except of a little zip around LMNOP. Yes they are the same.You only have to change something by 10% to make it different. according to the patten laws I believe.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Just checking.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Different scientific departments get to use different prefixes.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
The source of the wind is quite different and you probably have bad breath.
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Occasionally I posses super powers that recharge batteries.
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
It's their way of saying," you idiot, I just did all this work for nothing."
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Well they can't count further than four billion so why protest.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
You are then certain that cause of death was lethal injection, and not infection.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
don't know
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
It's a guy thing.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
So their hair isn't messed up.
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
Don't know. Do you ?
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
It's all in the breeding.
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
No idea.
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
No
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
The coolness of the air in the refrigerator, allows our mind to be creative so the longer you stand there the more culinary you become.I can prove it, my husband will look into the fridge and see nothing to eat and yet I go in after him and make a meal.
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Just making sure that that vacuum cleaner salesman was right about the vacuum cleaners abilities
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
I try not to use plastic bags, and therefore don't have this problem.
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
They have ways!
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Because if we said it really hurt we'd have to admit we are old, and lost our social graces. You know like budding in line at the buffet.
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
You're obviously related to my husband, El ClutzO!
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
It's a dry heat! Not the Humidity
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
You're not listening.
And my FAVORITE........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
I'm so sorry to hear you're not well.
* I had put this * in my answer of the first question and here is why?
This was my inspiration for taking swiming lessons as an older adult, I'm sorry to say it didn't work, I can't swim, floating is a challenge, (having nothing to do with my weight).
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT Us!
Can you cry under water?
Yes, I can be witness to that, when I was trying to learn to swim (as an older adult*) I know I cried underwater.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
You have to be a public figure to be assassinated, it's on your oath when you're sworn in. Yet another perk of public office.
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Taxes
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
No, that's the other place, that's why it's heaven, you can shop for anything, you can afford anything, you can eat anything and stay the weight you want to be, you can even have your childhood hair colour if you like. That's why they call it Heaven. My heaven will include nice nails even when I use my hands in paint remover or clay, or potting soil, (I plan on continuing my hobbies).
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Round boxes are an packaging engineers worst nightmare. It's your first assignment in school and no one gets a pass because the machines just don't want to do circles.
I need to hyperlink you into a site that shows how to make a box, You'll understand why pizza comes in a square box. I don't know why this isn't linking but just go to Grace "home " and view the tutorial on box making. It will blow you away.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Swine Flu?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
The man on the moon was not a woman, and we all know women would have not carried all that stuff they would have come up with wheels.
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
Two hours of sleep sounds pretty good to me just about now.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
The rest of the room still has to hear.
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Unless I'm on the Biggest Loser, I'm quite sure this question will not apply to me.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
So you can see how far you've come, and you've come a long way BABy.
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...
The act of undressing is quite sensual and he doesn't want to get turned on, it's hard to be professional.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
don't know, but I'll look through my books on English language.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Are you saying my son is not a decent human being.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
The song writer was under contract to produce Xnumber of songs per week.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Much like a potatoe a coconut can conduct electricity, but there was no marine glue on the island.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
It's all in the breeding, it's obvious who is the superior breed.
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
What fun would that have been.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Don't know.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Quite possibly.
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
I'm sure it was the same guy who wrote Jimmy Cracked Corn that wrote these two and except of a little zip around LMNOP. Yes they are the same.You only have to change something by 10% to make it different. according to the patten laws I believe.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Just checking.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Different scientific departments get to use different prefixes.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
The source of the wind is quite different and you probably have bad breath.
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Occasionally I posses super powers that recharge batteries.
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
It's their way of saying," you idiot, I just did all this work for nothing."
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Well they can't count further than four billion so why protest.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
You are then certain that cause of death was lethal injection, and not infection.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
don't know
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
It's a guy thing.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
So their hair isn't messed up.
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
Don't know. Do you ?
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
It's all in the breeding.
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
No idea.
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
No
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
The coolness of the air in the refrigerator, allows our mind to be creative so the longer you stand there the more culinary you become.I can prove it, my husband will look into the fridge and see nothing to eat and yet I go in after him and make a meal.
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Just making sure that that vacuum cleaner salesman was right about the vacuum cleaners abilities
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
I try not to use plastic bags, and therefore don't have this problem.
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
They have ways!
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Because if we said it really hurt we'd have to admit we are old, and lost our social graces. You know like budding in line at the buffet.
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
You're obviously related to my husband, El ClutzO!
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
It's a dry heat! Not the Humidity
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
You're not listening.
And my FAVORITE........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
I'm so sorry to hear you're not well.
* I had put this * in my answer of the first question and here is why?
This was my inspiration for taking swiming lessons as an older adult, I'm sorry to say it didn't work, I can't swim, floating is a challenge, (having nothing to do with my weight).
2 comments:
These are great! Thank you for this afternoon's chuckling!
I needed that luagh this afternoon. Hope you feel better soon. And I also want to take swimming lessons due to Sleeping with the Enemy. Something every woman should know I guess.
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