Saturday, August 23, 2008

I know it's not Mother's Day...


I know it's not Mother's Day but... by now most of my readers know that my mother is an elderly lady, WITH ATTITUDE, who relies on care from her family and outside help as well. It sort of came to light for me yesterday on my trek on the Go Bus, that the job of Mother is quite a life sentence. I spoke to my sister, who is now a grandmother, and we discussed her granddaughters integration into day care. How her daughter, the NEW MOM is taking it all. It has got to be the most difficult thing in the world to watch your baby cry when you leave her in the care of others. That's the right hand of the situation. What about the left? We (my sister and I) are also talking about leaving our Mother in the care of others, and her crying, when we leave her. We rely on our mothers for so much. As babes you know the care your children needed. Mine are MEN (or so they say) and yet when I come home from where ever, they still wait for dinner, or laundry or "cleanup after me..."not because they are not independent, but because that's always been my place for them. That part sucks. But I'm not sure being replaced by PIZZA PIZZA is any better. I know when it's the first day of school, or the first day of daycare or the first day of residence in a seniors home there are tears and guilt. I know it's the cycle of life, but sometimes wouldn't you just like to stop the cycle. I know I would like to leave my mom's house each time not feeling guilty, like there must be more that I could do to make her life more comfortable. I just don't know what! And while I say I'm doing everything I can, I'm never sure I am. Just as my niece will feel each time she leaves her baby at day care, she will never stop questioning it. Welcome to motherhood. She will forever wonder if she's doing the right thing. I'm still doing it. Even while I pack him up to go away to school. He's a man and I'm still thinking "Am I doing the right thing by letting him leave, What if?" It takes an awful lot of ADVIL to get through it. I know I've used enough to kill several elephants, but that's life. Motherhood is not for the faint at heart, and a role that requires serious consideration and commitment.

So I wonder if my mother feels that way, when she sees me leave, does she feel like a mom still? Has the dementia relieved her of that obligation? Maybe that's Gods way of saying it's quitting time, for her as a MOM.

My friend Leslie's mom passed away last weekend. Leslie is a caring daughter, a great mom and wife, and a good friend. I'm sure she is relieved that her mom is no longer in pain, I'm sure she is sad, and I'm sure there are feeling yet to come forward. I feel inadequately equipped to help her grieve. And guilty every time I complain about my mom. And at the end of the day all I can say is I'm so sorry for her loss.

I know it's not Mother's Day but it should be, everyday should be.

A MOTHER is she
who can take the place of all others.
But, whose place no one else can take.
Robert Browning

Photo, my mom and the baby

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I truly and whole heartedly agree that Mom's can take on any role in a child'd life and they can NEVER be replaced...
Life is a cycle, your parents take care of you and one day, you will take care of them. A parent never wants to have a child pre-decease them (probably the most painful thing a parent would ever have to endour)...BUT to all those parents out there, losing a parent (not that I have...and I truly dread the day) is probably one of the scariest thing a child has to go through..at any age. The thought of it (I absolutely hate thinking that thought) scares me to death.
When parents send their child to daycare, I can understand their concern, their fears, and their worry. Unfortunately most parents cannot stay home to watch their little ones, BUT b/c they have to, they must go through the first couple weeks of anxiety, and then they both will get use to it and appreciate each other more at the end of the day. With elderly parents, you have to accept the fact that YOU cannot be with your parents 24/7 to care for them the way they physically need. You can be there for them emotionally, and as long as YOU are content with the care you give them, being there as much as you can, rest easy in knowing that you did the best you could do, and admitting them into a care facility, is the best for them, when they cannot be safely at home themselves. With dementia, they are not themselves. They may seem angry, hurt,...BUT it is not them saying or doing these things...its the disease...they know you love them...and I do too! She knows!!
Luv Adi :) xoxo

Leslie Jane Moran said...

"I feel inadequately equipped to help her grieve. And guilty every time I complain about my mom. And at the end of the day all I can say is I'm so sorry for her loss."

You are such a great friend. Just being with you always lifts my spirits. I look forward to our outings and our laughing and carrying on. I love hearing about your Mom, it's what makes us human. Thank you for always being such a wonderful part of my life. I love you dear friend.
LJM

Rosadimaggio63 said...

Meravigliosa foto... la tua mamma con il tuo nipote ?
Buon fine settimana :-))

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